Alive and kickin

No I'm not dead. Neither am I sick, paralyzed or in any other way unable to post blogs! I'm just busy and when I do have time LAZY. Oh and also addicted to an online game. D O F U S has taken up all of my free time. I sit during my work day and think about how when I get home I'm going to log onto D O F U S and buy some special item that you can only get at a certain place in the world, or how I might join this guild or even that if I work really hard I might level up my alchemist profession. OK...so hows that for addiction?

The one thing I am not thinking about I realized just the other day is having babies. I still want them, don't get me wrong. I just am on a true break from trying to get one. I am telling everyone we know that we are starting to think about adoption so that if they hear of a young girl who finds herself "in trouble" who wants to adopt out her baby to think of me. But besides that I haven't been thinking about it at all. Nice, right? It really has been.

We still have one more try before we are out of embryos, but I might actually have another chance. See, there's this woman in Georgia who is friends with my sweet Bryan's step mom. She had a baby through In Vitro just a few months ago. She used donor eggs. She's about my age. After that pregnancy, she says she's DONE. And she's got some left over embies. So my MIL is going to talk to her about what she plans to do with them and maybe I can get them for a lot less than I would have gotten them for the old fashioned way. I might have to go to Georgia to have the IVF done, but that's ok because I have relatives I can stay with there for my bed rest. Anyway, its not a done deal, but its a maybe and if it works out that's cool!

I did have one moment where I thought I'd found a baby to adopt. A girl on a message board I belong to said that her son had gotten his girlfriend pregnant and they didn't know what they wanted to do. I was just crossing my fingers and holding my breath hoping they would decide to adopt it out. They aborted. It broke my heart. Another girl on the same message board has a friend who is pregnant and acting as though if she finds out she's having a boy she's gonna give it up for adoption so my friend is watching and waiting to see what happens. I'm trying NOT to hold my breath.

Besides that I have been working full time at the newspaper again. The extra money is coming in handy because in the last month I've been to Las Vegas not once but TWICE! And LV is the BIGGEST money sucker there is! I've been going to the tanning bed and lying by the pool to attempt to get something of a tan, but as I am normally almost albino, my attempts have gotten me the color of a manilla folder and not the deep chocolate brown that I crave!

Many of you have left comments asking if I'm alive and if I'm OK and asked me to come back and post again because I was missed. Thank you! I appreciate that you guys care enough to ask if I'm still around! Well I am and I pray it won't be nearly as long between posts the next time I write! Many of you have had babies since I last checked on your blogs. Congratulations to Farah and to Leah and to Stephanie and to endless others that got pregnant around the time that I did last Summer. Hard to believe that in only 2 weeks it'll be a year since I got pregnant!

One more quick post...

Wow...2 in one day, better mark this day in your calenders because it probably won't happen again any time soon!!! Anyhow,blogger wouldn't allow me to put more than 5 photos in the last post (or perhaps I was being computer illiterate who knows) and I wanted to post some hair pics where you can see it...here ya go! Oh and I added one at the end of my goofy sweety pie husband!

The first picture should be the before picture, and the one following is the after...

sick sick sick!

All I've been this year is sick and sick and tired of things not going well for me. Well today I solved one of those problems. I was sick again (4th time in 4 months!) so I went to the urgent care after my sweet Bryan demanded that I go. I went in and they listened to my lungs, gave me 2 quick breathing treatments and sent me off for chest xrays.

Turns out the reason I keep getting sick is because I've got PNEUMONIA. At least we know now so I can finally get better and stop coughing all the freaking time!!!! I was miserable last night, I couldn't breath, felt like someone was sitting on my chest and my coughs were not productive when I did get enough air to hack one out. Then when I'd lie down Id hear creaks and squeeks and rumbles coming from my chest which would immediately stop when I sat up. I took it to be all the gunk down there was resettling itself to the new positition but whatever it was I was hating it. I slept sitting up all night last night and I don't care to repeat that tonight if I can help it.

So now I've got an asthma inhaler, prednisone and zpak to make me well again and I can't wait for four days from now when I'm done with the meds cuz I should feel one HELL of a lot better!!!

So guess what I did? I've just been so ready to make some changes and shake off all that bad juju, and I went and chopped off all my hair! Now it's a really cute bob that is longer on one side than the other and I love it! Check out the pictures below!

So onto other more fun subjects. Last weekend I made a trip to Las Vegas! Woo Hoo!!! One of my girlfriends turned the big 4-0 so we met in Vegas and celebrated! We went to a strip show the likes of none I've ever been to before! These guys were on us the SECOND we entered the room...I couldn't even get my money out before I had a lap dance going on! The worst part was that he grabbed my boobs! Literally GRABBED BOTH BOOBS! I was horrified though because I had this dress on that required a strapless bra. The strapless bra was from days when I was a bigger gal. The boobs didn't fill up the bra, but the bra held its form so it looked like I had AWESOME boobs. However, that's not the horrific part (you'd think it would be considering when he grabbed he grabbed a bunch of nothing!) oh no! Because I had all this extra room in each cup, I decided that since I had no pockets in my cute little dress, that it was the perfect place to store my phone in one and my camera in the other! So he grabbed hollow boobs with hard rectangular things in them! He also made me grab his butt (which was rough? eeeew) It was quite the experience. This place is called the OG or Olympus Gardens. Downstairs is women stripping and then you take the secret squirrel elevator to the second floor and that's where the men were. I swear I've never had strippers molest me before...usually we're like hey come here! I want you to come here! These guys were just ALL over you. I was scared.

Do I look scared???? I was, really I was!

Ahh yes, now THIS is how WE ROLL in Vegas Baby!

We even saw Elvis...he's put on a few pounds btw. Truth be told, a blackjack dealer told us that big elvis's mother supposedly had an affair with Elvis back in the day and that's where big elvis came from....riiiiiiiiigggghhhttt!

The birthday girl and me (yes this is the dress with the bra from above) at the Bellagio with Paris hotel and casino in the background!

I've turned into one of THOSE women.

Not sure why, but this last cycle must have affected me deeply because I am not one of these women generally. I'm actually probably now having feelings that many of you are, and I am sure you will understand when I explain.

Until now I've always been very positive and optimistic about getting pregnant. Cycle after cycle after cycle and I still always felt as though it would work, if not this time, next time. Hope has always been present, even when I didn't think she was there. Well she's moved out and even though I have one try left I just don't have my heart in it. This is why we have decided to wait til this summer before using the last group of embryos. I need a break.

And now I have turned into one of those women. You know the ones. I get sad when I see pregnant women. I cry secretly when I hear the news that someone else that got pregnant when I did last summer has delivered their baby. I'm still very happy for them, I'm just sad for me and the baby I lost. Even when someone has their kids with them, I just feel this longing for my own kid and a sadness that I can't seem to get one. And it seems that everywhere I go, no matter where it is or what I'm doing, fertility treatments come into it. One example is this movie that's about to come out, whats it called? Baby Mama? I want to see the movie because it looks funny, but the other side of me screams inside my head that I'm nuts if I want to watch it because its going to hurt and piss me off. Oh and then tonight? I watched Brothers and Sisters. Why for God's sake does Kitty Walker have to be going through IVF? WHY? I was furious when I saw that. The doctor told her "you'll take twelve injections and we'll harvest your eggs!" Oh its so dang easy isn't it?! Pah-lease! And the needle she's injecting with is about 1/2 inch long and its going into her hip. I swear, I swear to God, I will be so angry if she does this IVF and she gets pregnant with precious little twins on the first try! I'll FREAK OUT! Hell I am already freaking out!

All I can think about is how I just can't have babies. It really makes me sad. Since its such a lengthy process I've started investigating adoption. Do you know that here in the United States many of the agencies have age limits? Do you know that that limit is generally 40???? Umm...I turned 40 last September and my sweet Bryan turns 40 next Sunday. I felt as though I'd been kicked yet again when I read that. There's a website for the state of arizona that has pictures of children who need to be adopted. Do you know that each and every one of those children has emotional or physical disabilities? I know they need a home, but is it so terrible that I, as a potential first time parent, want a healthy child? Many of the countries that you can adopt from also have age restrictions. Some of them have restrictions about what religion you are and some of them even have rules about how much you can weigh!!!! Can becoming a parent become ANY harder for me???????? Daily I sit and think thoughts like this: "I just wish I could meet a teenager who is pregnant and wants to give her baby up for whatever reason, and its an easy private adoption". OK so I do realize this is a dream world I'm living in, but it could happen right? Oh sure and pigs will fly too.

And if ONE MORE PERSON, when we discuss my fertility treatments, tells me, "No luck huh? Well you can have one of mine!" with a disgusted voice as though its such a hassel and that kids are such a pain! (Yes I know, they don't really mean it) but it just sort of feels like one more kick in the beating that is infertility. Do people not realize this is insensitive to someone like me? No, I know they don't realize, how could they, they've never been where I am right now for the most part. That doesn't make it hurt any less.

I'm just in a bad place though I am putting on a great show for everyone I come across. When I get the news that YET SOMEONE ELSE is pregnant and "they weren't even trying!" I just smile and congratulate them and inside I'm just screaming WHY? WHY NOT ME? AM I SO TERRIBLE??? HOW COME I JUST CAN'T GET ONE LITTLE BREAK? DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO FRICKEN HARD???!!! WHY MUST I CONSTANTLY BE PRESENTED WITH PEOPLE GETTING PREGNANT, PEOPLE HAVING BABIES AND THE EASE WITH WHICH THEY DO IT?

Now I feel I must make a statement to some of my readers. I know most of you are in the same boat that I am. And when one of you get pregnant and has a baby I truly truly am GENUINELY happy for you. Envious and a little jealous maybe, but happy. You have struggled just like I am and its always been encouraging for me to hear the success stories. So please do not think I am referring to you.

...sigh...I'm just a bitter, angry IVFer. Maybe I need to change the name of my blog to that...Bitter Angry IVFer. It truly does seem to encompass my mood of late (the mood that's hiding behind my happy face that everyone sees).

OK well that's pretty much all I've been thinking about for nearly the entire month of April (that I have not been blogging). Probably a good thing I have not been blogging eh? Really good times here at the house of no little beans for me.

UGH

Late calls are always bad news.

The results from this mornings bloodtest should have been in at 3:30, and you know its always the good news calls that they make first. When the clock chimed that it was 6pm I knew it was gonna be bad news. Shortly thereafter Dr G called and broke it to me that it was negative.

I just want to know when something is going to go my way. When will my body cooperate? I mean we had the BEST of transfers, an amazing progesterone check and tons and tons of prayers around the country from friends and family and STILL I have no luck. If I didn't have bad luck I'd have no luck at all.

I'm going to lie down. The flu is still kicking my ass.

Tomorrow is Beta Day

Wow, what a fast 2ww! I guess there's an up side to having the flu for a week eh? Now if I could only get rid of this annoying cough! Its drying up so its less productive and driving me crazy because I feel a rumble in my chest as I breath and then go to cough and NOTHING. I don't know why, but if I cough with my mouth shut it IS productive and satisfying but the second I close my mouth nada. Have I mentioned how hard it is to cough with your mouth shut?

So tomorrow between 10 and 11 is my Beta. Who knows how it will turn out. Ever since Friday's POAS that was negative I have not tested again. I've got it in my head it'll be negative. If it ends up positive all the better but if not, well, then I'm somewhat prepared for it.

That said though I have noticed a few things that may be good signs.

1. I am still having cramping down low that started on the day of transfer.
2. Still needing my afternoon naps. However having had the flu who's to say.
3. My nipples seem to be a tad bit darker. I asked Bry and he just gave me this dumb guy look and said um hm maybe?
4. Still having the night sweats and the flu is definately not causing it.

I guess these things give me some hope, hope that I'm trying not to have so its not such a crushingly devastating blow if it turns out negatively.

I'm having trouble sleeping at night right now because of this cough. Sitting up I'm mostly OK but the minute I lie down I start to wheeze and everything in my chest I'm guessing is resettling for the new horizontal position which makes me cough and cough and not sleep. Sleeping sitting up is really not cool either.

So anyway, this time tomorrow I'll have my answer. I really hate getting that call. I really do. I'd totally let it go to my voicemail and check it later if I thought that Dr G would leave a message with the information that I NEED. However he is opposed to giving that information to anything but a person, namely me. Ugh.

POAS

Last night I searched the internet for information regarding night sweats and progesterone and pregnancy. I found nothing regarding PIO injections having a side effect of night sweats. I did however find a couple of spots where very early in pregnancy night sweats were involved and even one place that the girl had done IVF and had had night sweats since transfer day like me, and ended up being pregnant with triplets. So, with this information, I got very inflated and psyched and excited and thus this morning I felt very confident and peed on a stick.

It was negative.

I did it with first morning pee so it was as strong as it gets. Today is Friday and my Beta is on Monday. It makes me feel a lot less confident. I know its not over yet, but I'm feeling very unsure about things now. My sweet Bryan says that it may just be too early to detect it, it could be a late implanter. And it could be, but well, you know. I've been here before. If it is positive, is it going to be a low number again? Like last summer? When it was positive but it was really low...only 38 only to go on and miscarry? I just can't do that again. Please don't make me go through that again Lord.

Flu recovery is continuing. Today the cough seems to be drying up but now its so much less productive that its making it hard to cough until I'm satisfied and I feel all dry up in my nose. I'm using a humidifyer as well but it sure doesn't seem to help much. My fever seems to be completely gone (thank you JESUS). I feel weak still so I stayed in bed all day again. Tomorrow I'll get up and shower FINALLY. I can't wait. I brushed my hair today for the first time in days. I'm here to tell you that dreadlocks couldn't be easier to brush out than my hair was. I am a vision of pure loveliness for my wonderful husband and after my POAS episode this afternoon a joy to be around as well.

A quick 2 week wait

Things seem to be going pretty quickly in the 2ww. Probably because after I got off bedrest, I within days got this flu that's going around. I've been in bed for days with a fever - first hot then freezing. My throat feels as though someone's taken sandpaper and just rubbed it up and down the back of my throat. I have very little voice. I try to talk on the phone and it just doesn't work. Essentially I just feel awful. Last night my fever was nearly 103 degrees! Tonight we seem to be back to just over 100 and I feel so much better.

I was suffering through this because I'm PUPO and have been acting accordingly. Today though I called Dr G's office and asked what I can take. Thank heavens I did because now Cepacol throat lozengers are my new best friends! They NUMB the throat!!! Oh its so heavenly to NOT feel pain in my throat for a few minutes! I'm also now taking robitussin DM, apparently that is a safe thing to take also. And of course I've been taking boatloads of tylenol for days. Anyhow, I feel like I'm on the mend finally, maybe my voice will come back tomorrow!

As for symptom watch March 2008 - because I have the flu I've lost track of what is to do with being sick and what is potentially a prego symptom. I've bought a test. I'm so afraid to POAS though. I have been cramping though, and I KNOW that's nothing to do with the flu!

I think this time I'm going to test ahead of time so I'm prepared for the test on Monday.

Thank you my friends for checking in on me. Don't worry I didn't fall off the face of the earth again...I'm just dying a slow death from the flu.

Question: I know when I was pregnant last summer I had night sweats a LOT. I don't remember ever getting them during the 2ww though. Can progesterone cause night sweats? I've been getting a LOT of night sweats (even before the flu)...just wondering. Anyone know?

Triplets

The triplets are here! Well not here exactly, but here in my uterus! 2 eight celled and 1 six celled embryos that my doctor called "beautiful". Of course if you read back to all of my other embryo transfers, he's ALWAYS very complimentary of my embryos!

Had a little hang up. The IVIG didn't make it. They tried and tried to get it, was promised it by two different pharmacies only to be called back and told it just wasn't available. MFRN even tried to get me into a local hospital to have it done, but with the flu epidemic, there simply are no beds. I was a little disappointed, but here's my thinking. If you are trying to do something like IVIG, and no matter what you try its difficult to do it, maybe its not something that's supposed to happen. Maybe God stepped in and was trying to give me a hint that I didn't need to spend that money! My clinic was so scared that I was going to be mad. But it wasn't their fault! So then while I was there for the transfer, MFRN came in and told me that the IVIG people had sent a rep to their office while I was there and said that they've changed things and if I wanted to do it still I could do it from home and they'd send someone the next day. Too late of course. Whatever...

It was lucky St Pattys day and I was wearing a green tshirt that said "Feelin' Lucky!" I also had a whole slew of people wearing green st pattys beads for me. My step MIL added me to her prayer list at her church and so did my BIL. A message board I belong to all started wearing beads for me a few days ago! I feel so loved.

So now I'm on bedrest, typing this while flat on my back with my laptop. My back is aching and I've had some crampiness, but otherwise I'm just fine! So now the two week wait begins. But this time I think it's all going to turn out alright!

Worst Blogger EVER!

Oh my Lord I've been away from here for SO dang long! Do I even have any readers left? Are you therrrrrre? Hellooo Hello Hello Hello...huh sounds pretty empty and lonely in here.

Well my cycle is now in full swing. I took my last Lupron injection yesterday afternoon and last night I did my first PIO shot. I'll be having my transfer next Monday on St Patrick's day which I think is lucky because my sweet Bryan is of Irish descent! I'm planning on going to Wal-mart and looking for a St Pattys day shirt that says "I'm feeling lucky" or something to that effect and then I'm going to wear it to my embryo transfer!

I'm still doing IVIG, I hope it works! I have also now received my hypno therapy cassette tape and have been listening to it twice a day! You know what sucks though? When I try to listen to it as I go to sleep, the entire room is quiet with the exception of Sweet Bryan's snores! They get so loud that it distracts me and last night I actually poked him and kicked him and then finally YELLED at him to stop snoring! Poor guy...he's just trying to get some sleep! Anyhoo...back to the hypno-therapy. I actually do feel much more positive about this cycle! ITS GOING TO WORK!

I also received a beautiful fertility bracelet from a friend of mine in Utah, M. M made it herself and it has all sorts of stones and minerals and some quarts that are all supposed to aide with fertility! I'm wearing it faithfully except when I am in the shower! I love it!

I feel as though this is the LOOOOONGEST cycle I've EVER done. I don't know if it really is a lot longer or if it is just that I'm anxious and ready to get it overwith. I did add an extra week so that my work wouldn't get in the way of the transfer or bedrest. Maybe that's why I feel that way. I dunno.

Anyhow...is there anyone out there still reading this? Or am I writing to myself here? Either way it feels good to document this cycle - even if it is only a post here and there. Now that there are things happening I should post more often. No promises of course, I mean look at the title of this post, I'm just sayin'!

Getting lazy

Yeah, that's right, I'm getting lazy about posting here. I'm not quite sure why except that at this point it's all been there done that. Well mostly. I do actually have SOMEthing new to post about with regards to fertlity issues. Note that I said FERTILITY issues and not INfertility issues.

I have this friend, M, who has an aunt who is a hypnotherapist. She told her aunt about me and my trying to get pregnant and her aunt said she wanted to help me with hypnotherapy. I talked to her on the phone and gave her the run down on my history, and she said the first thing I need to STOP doing is saying the word INFERTILITY. By saying I'm an infertile, or that we're going to the infertility doctor, its already planting a negative seed in my mind that I'm not going to get pregnant. So from here on out I'm going to try to start using the word fertility instead. Second of all she's worked with others in my situation, including her own daughter in law, and had a lot of success by making these cassette tapes and you listen to them in the days leading up to the embryo transfer and after I believe as well. It's a form of self hypnosis I think. She also works with people who have pain management issues, trying to lose weight or quit smoking or many other things as well. I'm really excited to get this tape and get to listening to it!!

I got the surprise of my life a few days ago when my sister in law D called me and told me that our Step FIL had checked my MIL's will and sure enough she did have it written in there that all of her jewelry was to go to me. Not sure if I'd already blogged about this or not. It made me feel bad because my SIL D was very upset because she wasn't mentioned in the will at all!

Can I tell you how excited I am that American Idol has started again? AND OH lets not forget that I'm REALLY excited now that we got past all the auditions...FOUR weeks of auditions? Enough already!!! OHHH and Big Brother 9!!!! Only one week into it and it's already so addictive that I can't stop watching! This must be my favorite time of the TV year because Paradise Hotel 2 has also been gracing the airwaves! Yes I watch QUALITY TV can you tell??? The worst part? I'm such an addict that I'm watching paradise hotel twice a week! I watch it on prime time and then again on the fox reality channel which shows some stuff that is censored out of primetime - dirty stuff! People hooking up and doing stuff you'd never see ordinarily! This is probably why you haven't seen a blog from me since before valentines day...I'm way too busy watching TV!

Oh Lord where to start...

What a crazy trip. So much angst and drama and negativity! Yes, we went back for a funeral but there was so much sidelining stuff going on that was just plain unnecessary. Ugh!

Before I get into the drama, I wanna say that my sweet Bryan spoke at the funeral. He was the only one of the sons to get up and eulogize his mother and he did a wonderful job. He said just the right mix of things, stories about his childhood, he talked about how proud she was of her sons, he read poems...it was lovely! One of the poems was all about how we don't know how short life is and how we should tell each other now that we love them and how we should forgive those silly little squabbles instead of carrying a grudge until its too late. He specifically added this poem because of all the drama in the family, but as you'll see later in this posting, it did not a bit of good! He had everyone at the funeral laughing and crying and nodding at all the appropriate points and he just did wonderful and I couldn't have been more proud! I worried he'd break down and cry during his speech, but he didn't. The minute he sat back down in the pew though he lost it. It was so sad.

The funeral itself was a little unusual too. The music was all bluegrass gospel which I love! Then the pastor stepped up there. He was a good old southern baptist pastor and it was all fire and brimstone and "If you want to ever see your mother/friend/wife/grandmother again you MUST repent!!" The entire time he spoke it was one big sales presentation trying to guilt you into joining the church and getting saved! I didn't like that but Bryan told me that is just how it is with the southern baptists! I was raised presbyterian, which is sort of the Catholics of the protestant world! Much more reserved, no fire and brimstone either!

So we're getting ready to leave for the gravesite after the service. There's a car for the family to ride together in. It has just enough room for my step FIL, My two brother in laws and their wives and my sweet Bryan and I. My sister in law D and I were gathering everyone and trying to get us all in the car and we called for the other brother in law and his wife K. BIL S starts to come but SIL K pulls him back and tells us (while all the other people at the funeral are passing by) "I guess we've been thrown out of the family!" Me and my SIL D were totally confused by this so we turned around and asked our FIL who was supposed to ride in the family car. He tells us just as I said at the beginning of this paragraph and by this time BIL S and SIL K have gotten into their car already. So since they aren't riding in the family car, we allowed other out of towners to ride in the family car and we rode in our own vehicle as well. My SIL D was FURIOUS with SIL K because of the comment. I told her that SIL K wasn't normally like that and that there had to be something behind it and for us to not get upset until we spoke to her and figured out what she was talking about! So what does SIL D do? As soon as we get to the gravesite she walks up to SIL K and says, "Well I guess we've been thrown out of the family as well!!!" (because we didn't ride in the family car either) and turns around and walks away! She told me what she'd done and I said to her, "D! I thought we were going to get to the bottom of that before saying anything?" She said to me, "I couldn't help it!" A few days later I had dinner with S and K and had a chance to ask K about it. She told me that when they got to the funeral home that morning, they'd parked their car in the lot expecting to ride in the family car. As they entered the funeral home there was someone there greeting everyone and they asked what their relationship was to the deceased. So they told them son and that they were to ride in the family car after the service. They walked into the viewing room and a little while later a funeral director came up to them and said, "I'm so very very sorry but there's been a terrible mistake. There's not enough room for you to ride in the family car! We'll be happy to help you move your vehicle to the front of the procession line if you'd like" I was shocked because to my knowledge this was not supposed to happen! Now this is the BIL who is at odds with the other BIL and SIL and also the step FIL so did one of them arrange this and then act surprised that it happened? I don't and won't ever know. Anyhow, I felt so relieved that it was the funeral homes error that I went back and told my SIL D what had happened and told her how relieved I was. She said she was too. So when we went up to our Step FILs house, we told him what had happened at the funeral home with S and K. I thought he should know because he was paying the funeral home and that was a pretty big mistake if you ask me! We hadn't told him before that because he's got enough "evidence" stacked against S and K already and we didn't want to upset him more than he already was. So I start to tell the story, when I get to the part about what K said as we left the funeral, my SIL D jumps in and starts telling it. Except she's now telling it as though she's really angry about it! Not like she's all relaxed and feeling better about things. She starts saying things like, "And then she made her smart ass comments!" I just looked at her shocked! I spoke up and said, "Well I'll tell you this much, if it was Bryan and I in that situation at his mothers funeral, I'd be pretty upset as well!!" Then my SIL D said she would too. Then my SFIL spoke up and said, "Well if she thought she was out of the family then just wait til she sees whats coming up!" And then SIL D and Step FIL were off on a tangent beating up on S and K. I couldn't believe it!

Lets see, what other shenanigans happened...Umm...well OH I know...one of the first nights that we're there, my SIL D and I stayed up very late talking. She starts to tell me how our SFIL wants us to go through the jewelry box and divide up the jewelry. Ordinarily this would be the right thing to do. However, last March when my MIL and SFIL came to visit us, she and I spent the day together and during that day she told me what she was leaving to who. She told me that she was leaving ME her jewelry. So what do you do? Obviously no one knew about it but me! I didn't want to sound like a greedy person but it was her wishes! So I asked Dawn if she had a will with her wishes of what went to whom in it. She said no there wasn't. I told her I was surprised and told her what she'd told me last year. My SIL said NOTHING. So after a long pause I said well I don't want to be greedy, and she told me there wasn't a lot of valuable stuff in there either, so I don't mind sharing. And then I told her about a specific ring that she specifically wanted me to have which I did get BTW. So anyhow, I resigned myself to the fact that I would be sharing the jewelry. No big deal. It really only bothered me because I knew that's what my MIL told me she wanted to happen. Of course, for all I know she changed her mind between when she told me and now. WhatEV! The last day we were there though, I overheard my SFIL say that he needed to go and get her will out of the safe deposit box to see if there were any SPECIFIC BEQUESTS! Isn't it a little bit late for that?????? Her jewelry has already been disbursed! We've already gotten rid of her clothes! Well of course I'm sure that nothing will ever be said about it now that its too late, I mean really what are they gonna do? Go and ask people for their rings, necklaces and pins back so that they can give them to me? Right. And I am not greedy, I got quite a bit and am happy to have received what I did, but it still just annoys me somehow! I think its my OCD combined with the fact that I am a rule follower and I know what I was told and it isn't what happened.

Then there's the drama because Bryan's Dad called Bryan to see how he was the day his mother passed, but he didn't call the oldest brother! Well they aren't speaking to each other last I knew. Maybe he should have called, I dunno, but now this has cemented it and my BIL G and SIL D are supposedly not talking to my FIL and SMIL ever again! It seemed like everywhere we went (with the exception of BIL S and SIL K) the family just talked and talked about the rest of the family very negatively! It was AWFUL!

I've never been so happy to come home!!!

Headed for Georgia

My MIL passed away today so we had to cancel this week's IVIg and FET. Because I cancelled my RE told me to stop doing the PIO shots and all the other meds too. I'll get a period now even though its way too early for it because I am stopping all the meds. While I'm gone I'll start the birth control pill on day 2 of the new cycle so that when I get back we can start over.

We leave tomorrow afternoon (tuesday) for Atlanta, and we expect we'll be gone about a week. I'm really worried there will be a lot of drama, partly because that's just how my sweet Bryan's family rolls (how did HE end up so normal???) and partly because there's been some bad blood and trouble brewing for awhile and everyone has been waiting for bryan's mom to pass to "take care of business". I just hope none of it is around us, there's enough emotions and sadness without that kind of bs to deal with also!

While we are sad about losing her, we're also happy for her because we know she's no longer in the agony of lung cancer. When she died, it was very peacefully in her sleep and they say the expression on her face was one of happiness. It makes me feel good to know that's how it ended for her. Bryan is taking it very well. It was very expected and he seems to be handling it so far pretty good. I'm sure the tears will come once we're surrounded with the rest of the family, but for now we're just going with being happy for her no longer being in pain, it seems to help him to think of it that way.

I can't help but think that I've done it again. Managed to NOT have a baby before its grandparent has passed away. I felt a lot of guilt about this with my mother's passing because she had no other grandchildren. I still feel bad, but at least now its not because we're not trying. If we ever have any, its only going to have 2 grandfathers. It will have step grandma's and I know that's good too, but I can't help but sit here and feel as though my baby will miss out. Well that's neither here nor there, and it can't be helped so I am going to try to put it out of my mind.

Better log out, I have to pack.

Life got crazy...

That's my excuse for not blogging!

First things first, I am supposed to do the IVIg on Wednesday and a FET on Thursday! I can't believe I'm already this far along! Last night was my first progesterone in oil shot too! I'm OFF LUPRON! Yahoooo!!!!

Last weekend I got a call from the wonderful and beautiful new mommy - Faith from Keeping the faith!! She has experience with IVIg so I had lots of questions and we had a great chat! Because of her I discussed with my doc why we were doing IVIg on the day of the transfer (as he prefers to do them). I explained that it takes a few days for it to take full effect to reduce the antibodies. His thinking apparently is that the embryos don't implant immediately and there's no reason to worry about it until they do. Anyhow, I wanted to do the IVIg 2 days before and he wanted to do it the day of the transfer so we compromised and I'm doing IVIg now a day before the transfer. I feel happy about that!

Someone asked me to educate about what IVIg is. Its controversial and not all REs believe it does anything to help, but its something that is showing lots of promise and so I am willing to do anything it takes to get a baby! Here's my understanding of what IVIg is. I may get my facts messed up so if I'm wrong please let me know.

Essentially some people have these cells called Natural Killer cells. They are antibodies that fight foreign matter, and if you have too many of them, they can fight against the embryos, treating the embryos as though they are a foreign substance that must be destroyed. The IVIg is a procedure that is essentially a transfusion of I'm not sure what, plasma and other stuff from other people's blood. When they transfuse it into you (the amount is determined by your height and weight) it is done via IV and it takes about 3 hours. The stuff they infuse into you brings down your antibodies and natural killer cells or other immunological issues that may cause problems with implantation and the theory is that if your immune system is surpressed this way it'll allow the embryos to implant, it essentially could be the reason its not worked for me in the past! It's great if it works, but its very expensive - $2700 a pop. And this doesn't include the cost of the FET either. IF it works and I get pregnant this cycle, we'll have to do it twice more, again at $2700 each time. I am fretting about the money but if it works it'll be well worth it!

My mother in law isn't well at all. She's taken a turn for the worse. She's at home now with end stage lung cancer, hospice has come in, and today they checked her vitals and told the family that she's now got hours and days (instead of days and weeks as it was before). I really really hope I don't have to cancel my cycle. IF I have already done the IVIg, I have already informed my husband and his family that I will be staying for the transfer and will come out later. Doesn't make much sense to spend that much on IVIg, to not do the transfer ya know?

On Thursday of this week I took my sweet little 5 year old niece Hallie to the Disney Princesses on Ice show up in Phoenix! It was SOOO cute! She dressed up like a princess, and she was not nearly the only one! There were little girl princesses EVERYWHERE!!! Just watching her face as she saw mickey mouse and tinkerbell and cinderella and Ariel...it was priceless! After the show she told her mom, my sister, that it was the best night of her life! So cute! They certainly do not stay little like this long...I must remember moments like this when she's 13 and moody and wants nothing to do with any of the adults!

Lovely Lupron

What a nice surprise, I haven't had any hot flashes from the lupron! Maybe its because its colder outside and I haven't noticed them? Who knows. What I have had this cycle so far is HEADACHES. I don't get them very often normally, but I woke up with one this morning and it did not go away all day long. Not much fun. I've noticed having them the last week or so here and there. I started to take prednisone and estrace last night. The estrace, as is normal for me, is upsetting my stomach and I have had the runs, which, as you can imagine, is kinda inconvenient, but I am dealing. I'll do anything if it means I get a baby at the end these days.

I do have a dilemma though. Remember I mentioned that we are going to try something called IVIg? Well that is something that has to be ordered a week before we use it. Remember that my MIL is sick with terminal lung cancer? Well she went into the hospital this last Sunday and we are uncertain as to how long she's going to last. I asked MFRN if the IVIg was something that would keep if we needed to cancel this cycle and she said she did not believe it was, and its not returnable either. And once they order it ($2300) I have to pay for it regardless of whether we use it or not. So I don't know what to do. Cancel this cycle? Continue and hope she makes it for awhile longer? I told Bryan if I had to he'd go ahead of me and I'd come later, depending on how close we are to doing the transfer. We won't miss the funeral, but I also can't afford to just lose out on $2300 either. Lastly need I state again that I am FORTY? I can't afford to put off getting pregnant any longer...its become one of those I MUST DO IT NOW things because I'm getting OLD. My last thought is that if I cancel, and then she pulls through, how long before I get to do a cycle? She might hang on for MONTHS and MONTHS for all we know. I hope I do not sound callous about her death. We're all very sad about it, but in this instance I am thinking about the future of our family and the future of our finances too.

As I think about it, I am approximately 16 days from transfer! These cycles go pretty fast.

Anyhow, I'm curious about your thoughts???

Mr Toad's Wildride

What a day I've had!

8:30am my phone rang and it was the vet calling me to see how Rowdyboy's arm is doing (he had an infection in a bump on his left front arm). When I ran to get the phone I realized there was a chocolate bar wrapper on the floor. I looked around and didn't find any evidence other than the paper wrapper and wondered which of the two yorkies had gotten it and if they had gotten actual chocolate or if it was just a wrapper that didn't get thrown away.

12:00 noon: I walk out of my bedroom and realize there's two places that SOMEone has thrown up. Dark brown liquid. Yep, someone had gotten chocolate. Still didn't know which one.

12:05pm: I'm desperately trying to get the chocolate vomit stains out of the carpet, most of it comes up but not all.

1:00pm: Rowdy is RACING around the house like a crazy dog and occasionally urping up dark brown chocolate liquid. I decided to consult Dr Google. Dr Google says these are both symptoms of chocolate poisoning in dogs. Ugh.

1:15pm: I call my vet. Miracle! Tragedy never seems to strike while the vet is actually open! No emergency vet visit for me today! My vet asks if it was milk chocolate or dark chocolate. I pull the wrapper out of the trash - 4 ounces of DARK CHOCOLATE - very bad news. Still don't know how much he ate...could have been a partially eaten bar. Vet says she needs to consult with another vet and will call me back.

1:18pm: I call my sweet Bryan. Did you eat this bar of chocolate? No he says, I got that for your Christmas stocking, I know I didn't eat it. Rowdy ate the entire bar.

1:20pm: Vet says can you come now? We want to check his vitals and make sure he's OK.

1:30pm: I head to the vet. Rowdy who is normally INSANE in the car is about 30 times crazier due to his drug induced hyperness.

2:15pm: Rowdy barfs in the lobby of the vet...the vet claims "Yep! It's Chocolate!"

3:45pm: Rowdy is brought out to me after receiving fluids, and some charcoal and an injection to stop the vomiting. The vet says his heart rate has slowed down and she thinks he'll be fine. I'm given some high fiber food to help the tin foil wrapper to pass more easily and told not to give him other food until tomorrow and only a little of the high fiber food this evening.

4:15pm: I arrive home with Rowdy. He acts like he's gotta take a poop. We go outside (me monitoring each and every movement he makes) and he's racing around and little squirts of diahrea occasionally come out. Then he starts butt scooting. The vet had drained his anal glands (good times for Rowdy!) and shaved the hair around his butt which had gotten matted.

5:00pm: Bryan and I need to go out for a bit but we don't know what to do about Rowdy. We don't want him to have the runs all over the already stained rug so we put him in the bathroom and shut the door. Tile is afterall muuuch easier to clean up.

5:45pm: We return home. We open the door for Rowdy to come out of the bathroom and there is POO EVERYWHERE. Apparently he'd had the runs and then stepped in it and spread it throughout the bathroom AND on the inside of the bathroom door where he'd been scratching to get out of the bathroom while we were gone. OMGOD OMGOD OMGOD it smelled so bad it was in EVERY CREVASSE, it was crazy. I've never seen anything like it! I clean the floor and door and Bryan gives Rowdyboy a bath!

7:00pm: Am worried about Rowdy, his poor hiney is all swollen and red. He keeps trying to poo and nothing happens. I feel so sorry for him!

8:45pm: Rowdy keeps staring at the food bowl that we've had to pick up so that his currently delicate stomach doesn't get anything it shouldn't. He's so hungry!

9:00pm: Rowdy gets 1/4th of a can of the high fiber food. It's not much but he gobbles it like a crazy dog.

Right now: Rowdy is hungry again, he wants food and he wants it now. He's going into the kitchen barking to tell me there's no food and he wants some! No more poo incidents so far and it looks like the worst is over. I think I'm getting some good practice in for when I have a little one to take care of...oh Jesus what am I getting myself into?

And so it begins...AGAIN.

New cycle is starting. Well sort of. I've been on the bcp for 10 days and at today's appt with MFRN, I was told to start the lupron injections today and to continue with the pill for 5 more days. So technically the new cycle begins when Aunt Flow arrives, but if I'm doing shots I think that means the new cycle has begun.

I've decided to go ahead and do the IVIg. It costs over $2000 for each one we have to do (and if I get pregnant with this cycle I'll have to do it probably twice more), but if I didn't do it I'd always wonder if it would have worked had I done it, know what I mean? She explained to me that it takes 2 to 3 hours with an IV drip in and somewhere in the middle of it they'll do the transfer and then I'll finish off the IVIg. Anyone out in blog land done this? I know Faith at Keeping the faith did, and I'm going to talk to her about it, but I'm just curious about other people's experiences with it.

My cold is FINALLY starting to leave. Actually I feel a bit better, but when I take the over the counter allergy pill the pharmacist suggested I really feel better! So maybe its just allergys gone crazy! Seems an odd time of the year for it but that's me...always doing everything in odd ways!

I made a cheesecake when I got home from the doctor today. It is a new recipe and it turned out OK. I burned the crust though, it'd be better had I not done that. Then I gave a piece of it to my sweet Bryan and he ate about 4 bites, claimed it was GREAT, then hands me the unfinished plate. Then he followed me around like a puppy with his tail between his legs thinking I was mad at him for not eating it. Um HELLO I worked hard to make this, at least eat a little more than 4 bites, and don't think I'm stupid enough to believe you when you tell me how much you loved it but didn't eat more than 4 bites! MEN.

Happy 2008!

Wow, it's been awhile since I've had 2 posts in one day!

Anyhow, I just wanted to say at 11:42pm, in the last 18 minutes of 2007, what a crappy year it was. However, that said it was a good year too. I had a miscarriage as did many of the rest of us. Discouraging to say the least. However, its positive too because it means that those of us who had one CAN get pregnant!

In the last year my husband has been promoted to Master Sergeant, gone off to the war, come home, and we've gone on a few road trips. We've had our share of family dramas but in comparison its kinda mild to others out there. We found out my MIL has terminal cancer, and also that my step brother had leukemia. We've had our ups and down to be certain. Quite an eventful year here in the land of the Saguaro.

Anyhow, we started this year encouraged because we were going to do a donor cycle and hoping to have a baby resulting from this donor. We end the year still hoping for that baby. We have seven embryos left and I hope at least one of them will be the answer to our New Years wish.

Just imagine, this is the start of another year. What will be different by the end of the year? It will have all changed again! Some of us will have the babies we wished for, some will have one via surrogate, some will adopt, some will just decide to end the battle and move on.

I wish all of you a happy and healthy 2008 with lots of pregnancies and many many little chubby pink babys born! Tonight I'll say a special prayer asking God to help us and all of you too who are fighting this battle with us day in and day out!

Anticipation can be bad.

So this is a post that I've been thinking about writing for some time.

I have a little problem with anticipation.

Every birthday/Christmas, I tell my family members not to give me any hints because I'm really good at figuring out what I'm getting. I like the anticipation of the gift and once I know, that's not there anymore. I kind of get off on it.

Years ago...I'd sit and think about what my wedding would be like. I imagined it to be a fairy tale wedding, complete with an enormous wedding cake and a huge white dress. I would be gorgeous and everything would be perfect. Well when I got engaged I started to plan that wedding and had the church reserved, picked out my colors and bridesmaids and even had a good idea of what I wanted out of my dress. Then Desert Storm came along and we cancelled everything because Bryan was volunteering to go. We didn't know if he'd be in the country when the wedding day came. So we ran as fast as we could to the justice of the peace and got married. Went to Vegas then for 2 days. All the while saying we'd have a big wedding later and for people not to give us gifts, to save them for our real wedding later. Well guess what? The real wedding never happened. The reason? We got orders to move to England. So we never got wedding gifts. We did have a going away/wedding reception party 9 months after we got married before we moved, but it wasn't quite the same thing ya know?

Then with regards to having babies. I always kind of looked at that as something to look forward to. I always thought it would be a time I'd really really enjoy and I kept putting it off as something to look forward to. There were a few times when my cycle would be messed up and I'd wonder if I was pregnant, but I never was, and I just kept thinking romantically about the good time that was to come. I never actively TRIED to get pregnant. Now I wish I had. If I hadn't been so hung up on the anticipation of the event I might have tried to get pregnant many years earlier and might have kids right now running around for me to say NO and STOP THAT to! I kept saying to myself that it would happen when God meant it to happen. It would happen when it happened. Ugh. If I could just go back in time and change my way of thinking, I'd have had younger eggs and quite possibly had no trouble at all getting pregnant!

I do love the anticipation of an event, I'm somewhat addicted to anticipation but I think its time to start using the good china and to use all those "special" things that you're saving for a rainy day. You may well not ever get the chance if you don't take it now! If I'd lived each day as though it was my last I may well not be having the trouble that I am right now.

Before Christmas I had a blood draw to check for ovulation. NOPE. Then I went back last week and had it checked again. Again it was a no go. So now I'm on the pill for 10 days before we start a new cycle.

After reading Cindy Margolis's book I've started to think about a surrogate. I have a wonderful 24 year old niece who's made mention before of wanting to help us. I may have to think about having her surrogate our last batch of embryos if she's willing. Its such a huge thing though, does she really want her first pregnancy to be for someone else's baby? Anyhow...there's going to be some discussions and all I can say right now is "we'll see".

So here we are...

Almost the beginning of a new year. Oh yes, I am well aware that the New Year technically begins next week, but something happened today that gave me renewed hope for the future, a new hope.

It all started last week when I received an email from someone. I thought it was an ad at first for a book that is being published about infertility, but I continued to read and realized that it was far from that! It was from a woman who I'm guessing is a publicist or works for a publisher and she was telling me about a book that is about to be published regarding infertility and asked if I would be willing to read an advance copy and review it on my blog!

So this morning as I left for my appointment with the RE, I saw a package sitting outside my door. I thought it was something my sweet Bryan had ordered and I threw it into the house and forgot about it.

This afternoon I came home and realized it was addressed to me. So I opened it and it was the book! It was written by Cindy Margolis. If you don't know who she is, her claim to fame is that she is the most downloaded woman on the internet. She also did some modeling and a few TV shows. A few years back, before I was on this horrible endless infertility journey, I watched a documentary about her going through one of her IVF cycles with her RE. She got a negative at the end, and I remember my eyes tearing up for her. I also remember thinking that there was NO WAY IN HELL I could EVER do injections like she was doing. We've come a long way baby, we've come a long long way.

So anyhow, I sat down and started to read this book today. I really wanted to compare her story to my own, to see if she's been through what I have.

She really has.

This book was so well written. If you're an IVF veteran, or have gone the surrogate route, you'll like the book for the same reason you read other people's blogs, because you can relate. If you're new to the infertility world, you'll like this book because it gives you a run down on her story, and other peoples stories too. It will give you a lot of information about what you should look for in an RE, how to find a good clinic, and resources for finding good information about a lot of different aspects of infertility, may it be adoption, surrogacy, endometriosis, infertility in general, PCOS and many other things that you may come across in your journey. It also gives you a simplistic explanation about what many of the terms you come across mean, and what different procedures that you may have to endure really are. It talks about how she felt when certain things happened (BFNs), and then it gave her husbands point of view, which we as bloggers mostly do not hear. Mostly it gave me hope. After so many negatives she finally got her positive. Then she went on and had twins via a surrogate. But she doesn't tell the story just from her aspect, she tells many different stories, a lot of them encouraging, some of them sad. I finished the book in just a few hours, and as an IVF vet I can tell you that this book is going to help SO MANY PEOPLE who are new to this!

There was an inconsistency from what my own RE has told me and from what I've read via other people's blogs though.

She says, "To maximize the chances that you will get and STAY pregnant, doctors have to play the odds. They are not going to waste their time and your money implanting only one embryo, as good quality as that embryo may be. Unless you absolutely beg them (and even then I'm not sure you would find a doctor to agree), you will typically want to try up to six embryos each time."

SIX? Yikes that is a LOT. In fact, what I've heard is that it would be very irresponsible of an RE to transfer that many embryos due to the possibility of multiples. Two would be tough, three while doable is even rougher, but imagine if you implant six and they all take? I'm aware she says UP TO six embryos, but I think FOUR was MY max, and my RE only allowed that because of my age. Ordinarily he likes to only do three at the most.

However, that said, I loved this book. There's really not too many books like it on the market and its something that is really NEEDED in the infertile world. She discusses how people will say terrible things to you (You need to RELAX, etc) and how hard it is to go to baby showers, and she brings to light the fact that there are a LOT more people going through this than anyone realizes, and how no one speaks about it. She also talks about how the infertility drugs make you a crazy woman. All in all it doesn't get into the nitty gritty details, but it gives you an overall introduction to many different aspects of our plight. It is supposed to be on the market in February I believe, and it's called Having a Baby...When the Old-Fashioned Way isn't Working by Cindy Margolis.

The best part about this book? I've been down in the dumps lately. Ever since my miscarriage last summer I've sort of let hope go and started feeling like it's NEVER going to happen for me. After reading her book, she gives me a lot MORE hope, and I feel so much better. She showed me how after so many cycles it finally worked for her, and then she gave a lot of other stories of how it worked for other people in all different situations. It just made me feel like maybe it CAN work for me. I could so totally relate to this book, and I hope when it comes out on the market some of you'll get a copy and read it.

A terrible day...

Lord...it started out good. I mean I had all these things I wanted to do, I was organized, I left with intentions of getting stuff done, and getting home and wrapping presents. Well that's not what happened. Ugh.

I went to the RE's office today. Blood draw (I didn't ovulate) and dildocam (that cyst on my left ovary? Almost non existant!). I took them a plate of home made cookies (It's always beneficial to ply your RE and his staff with delicious home made cookies). All was going according to plan at this point. I even got a few other errands done before it all went horribly wrong.

It was the kind of day where it didn't matter who I was trying to call, NO ONE answered their phone! People with multiple numbers didn't answer any ANY of their numbers! And it wasn't just one person, it was EVERYONE I needed to call. That means my sister, my sister in law (who has THREE phone numbers and didn't answer any ANY of them!), my friend V and my friend K. Ugh...kinda like they all got together and said OK, when Lara calls, lets NONE OF US answer...ha ha ha it'll be hilarious!

I went on a hunt for backscratchers for my sweet Bryan's stocking. He's got one of these insanely itchy backs and I thought this would be a GREAT stocking stuffer. I searched all over town. I went to Walmart, the Dollar store, Walgreens, Linens and Things, Bath and Body Works, Target, Claire's, and finally...ultimately...my new favorite store after the thrash I had trying to find them, World Market (used to be called Cost Plus World Market) and there they were...at the register...and they have japanese geisha's on them! I bought SIX! So this was so freaking frustrating that I couldnt find them...backscratchers are such a random item...this is what started me having a bad day. Well when I stopped at Walgreens in my search, I noticed that outside there was a charity event that they do every year this time called "stuff the bus" that is put on by a local television station. They fill a city bus with unwrapped new toys. So while I was in Walgreens I bought FIVE toys...deciding to do a good deed and help out some poor children who wouldn't have anything otherwise. Good person right? Yeah...well after I bought them, I told the clerk not to bag them because I was taking them out and directly to the bus in their parking lot. So I piled everything up, and as I turn away from the counter, I swing around to begin heading for the exit. As I swing around, the corner of one of the toys CLOCKS this OLD OLD OLD OLD woman in the head! I hit an old woman in the head! I felt so HORRIBLE. I was horrified! She stopped, put both of her hands to her head and stood there for a really long minute. I apologized profusely, and then I asked her if she was alright. She looks up FINALLY and says to me, "well I'll HAVE to be won't I?" She said it VERY angrily. I just felt so terrible. I apologized again, and I then said well is there anything I can do for you? She said, "No, I'll just have to have a pain in my eye for a few hours!!!" If you could have seen her...she's ancient and I clocked her and I felt terrible and she was mean to me! I finally ran out of the store, gave the presents to the people at the bus...something I should have felt good about and all I could think was about how I'd clocked this old woman. I ran to my car and I burst into tears! Bryan reminded me when I called him that I hadn't knocked her to the ground, I didn't cut her or even scratch her, I apologized profusely and did everything I could possibly do to make amends...and that I needed to let it go because I didn't really damage her. I think its just that she was so old and fragile and here I am clocking her in the head!

After that happened, it all went down hill. I did find the backscratchers, but whatever I touched I either dropped or it didnt work the way it was supposed to, or I couldn't find what I needed when I'd just seen whatever it was that I was looking for! To top it off, I was trying to put a key on a keyring and as I spread apart the ring to put the key on, it in a freak move, ripped my finger nail way up into the quick of the nail. OMGOD talk about PAIN!

Bryan now has me sitting and doing NOTHING so that nothing else can go wrong! He made me soup and corn bread for dinner (yum!) and is wrapping the last of the gifts that we're taking to my sisters tomorrow morning! Isn't he a good man?

As for the RE appt. MFRN made the suggestion that I might want to try IVIG. It costs $2700 extra, and its very controversial, but it just worked for her friend who'd done 4 negative IVFs. At this point we'll probably do it because if we ever get to a point where we move on, I want to know we did everything we could. She said IVIG is something that supresses your body from making the antibodies that attack foreign bodies (I guess the body sometimes gets confused and attacks the embryos). I'll be doing some internet research so I'll let you know what I find out. Faith at Keeping the Faith who just had twins I think did this procedure during her positive IVF cycle! Maybe its time to send old Faith an email with some questions!

Lost Faith

Ever since I got the BFN for this last cycle, I've felt really negative. I feel like I'll never have my own baby in my arms. I'll never be able to do the cute baby pictures, except via my sister's children, which you have to admit is not the same thing! I have TWO straws left people. SEVEN embryos. One is a straw of 3 and the other is a straw of four. That's two chances. TWO. After that we either quit or we start over and give another 12.5 thousand dollars to the doctor. That I know is cheap in terms of IVF, but its still 12 and a half thousand dollars! Anyhow, I just keep thinking how sad it is that I procrastinated myself into this position. If I'd only started to think about infertility when I was 30, I'd probably already have children swarming around. I just feel depressed. I had a checkup today. It was the "your IVF didn't work so we're gonna check you out" ultrasound. Dr G asked me how old I was now. I said I'd turned 40 in September. He said, "I was afraid of that". WTF does that mean? Anyhow, I go back to see them on the 21st. They'll draw blood and see if I ovulated on my own (hahahahahahaha) and if I did I'll start lupron then and we'll go into another cycle. If I didn't, they'll put me on the pill. Yay team. Do I sound thrilled? Oh and just think...if it does work one of these next two cycles, I'll be FORTY ONE by the time I have a baby. But who're we kidding...like that's gonna happen. OK I'll be back when I'm feeling more upbeat and positive. Sorry for the glum post.

Sorry I left you hanging!

After so many of you suggested I POAS, I did just that. It was defective. I sat there on the toilet waiting and waiting and the control line never showed up. BASTARD. So then I decided I needed to shit or get off the pot...LITERALLY and so I wiped and guess what? My question was answered. Aunt Flow arrived in full force. Good times. We are currently in New Mexico on our way home from Georgia and Tennessee. We drove for 15 hours today. We are in a hotel. One of my dogs, Poppy, has decided that she needs to EAT the hotel comforter. I'm going to kill her.

Is this weird?

You know, I am very upset that this cycle didn't work. I guess the last one took and I thought this one would too. Plus there's all the symptoms ya know? Why the hell have I had upset stomachs and nausea and the fatigue for the last 2 weeks???? Did I really imagine it?

Here's something weird. When my doctor called me with the results, it was after the clinic had to chase the results down at the lab here in Georgia. So he says, "so you're in Georgia"? Yep I am, we're visiting family. And was it a Blood test they did? Uhh yesssssss, of course????

Does anyone else find this an odd question?

When I was at the lab getting the blood drawn, there were 2 beta tests on the form. One was beta hcg quanitative and the other was beta hcg qualitative. They were debating which one it was, I told them my doctor wanted the amount of hcg in my system.

Soooo here's what I'm wondering...my doc wouldn't have asked if it was a blood test if he'd gotten a number, am I right? I keep thinking that the lab lost my results and just sent him a negative result. I know its crazy. I do! I keep thinking that it worked and I'm starving my embryos by not doing the PIO injections because they lied to my RE. OK, remember when I said I knew it was crazy? I really do realize that this is highly unlikely. However, that said, my stomach is still messed up today, and my boobs hurt.

If I'm not the P word, I really need Aunt Flow to arrive so I can put an end to this madness! I feel very sad and miserable, and for some reason, after all the BFNs I've had, you'd think I'd be used to it but this one really got to me. Guess its because this is my first cycle since turning 40 and I just feel like I'm getting old for all this. When will my turn come? When? I'm so freaking tired of waiting!!!!

Beta Results

NEGATIVE.

I waited on Wednesday for 1.5 hours for the fax to come through with the order for my bloodwork. I sat at the lab for that long. Ugh. So it was at the end of the day and I knew that I wouldn't get my results until Thursday. So all day long Thursday I waited and waited for a call. I never got a call. This morning I called my doctors office to see if they'd heard anything. They hadn't! They had to call the lab and track down my results today. Ugh.

Last night, I fell asleep in a chair in front of the TV. I woke up at 2am. OMG I thought, its so late and I need to take my shots! So I go to fix my progesterone shot and my heparin shot, and I realized that I DIDN'T HAVE ANY PROGESTERONE. I freaked out and pulled out the bag of trash full of my injection stuff. I found 2 empty bottles of progesterone. They each have minute amounts left in it and so I had to suck out as much as I could which ended up being .75 of a CC when I was supposed to be getting 2CCs. Double Ugh.

So this morning I got up, hunted through the yellow and white pages for apothecary shops that had progesterone in oil. After about 20 phone calls, I finally found one that had it and it was miraculously only 45 minutes away from where I am. I would have searched the internet for a pharmacy, but I realized my internet was not working. So I went to a sp*rint store and I battled with them because I only got my broadband 3 months ago, but I lost the battle and ultimately had to buy a new broadband card for the laptop for only $279. Triple Ugh.

It's been a lousy day.

Beta Day

Well, as those of you who follow my blog know, yesterday was Beta day. However, I did not do the test yesterday. My MIL was getting some pretty scary tests back and I just felt like if I tested yesterday and her results were bad, mine would be too. I know that sounds silly and superstitious, but that's what I felt! BTW, she got her results and they were good! So today is the day. I am right now sitting in front of the lab in the parking lot. We are still in Georgia, so I had to find a lab to do the bloodwork here. Then I have to get my REs office back home to send the order for the bloodwork via fax. That's the point I'm at right now, waiting for my REs office to call me back so that I can give them the fax number. So Sweet Bryan and I are just sitting in the car awaiting their call so we can go in and get the blood drawn.

I'm not really nervous, but remember all the symptoms? Well today I feel perfectly NORMAL. Who knows. It's so frustrating, and it would be comforting right now to have a tummy that was upset or to feel bitchy.

Anyhow, when I know something I'll update this...so until then...keep everything crossed for us!

I just freaked out!

OMGOD. I am so HORMONAL. I just freaked out on Bryan.

We are in Georgia visiting Bryan's family. Today we went to S. Carolina with his father and step mom. It was an all day affair. We had to be there by 8am and we didn't walk back into my BIL's until about an hour ago (8pm). All day long I just didn't feel good. Stomach was kind of upset and my back was aching, plus the family reunion we went to was full of people I do not know so it was v. v. boring. I took along a little hand held game (nin*tendo D*S) so that I could occupy myself in the car for hours on end and also potentially at the reunion. Well our nephew Z came along too and after one turn, which because I'm not very good, my turns are v. short, he would snatch it and play with it for HOURS so that was down the drain. I really wished I'd brought along a book. Anyhow, Z is a good kid, but he's 12, and between me not feeling good, him hogging the game and me being bored, OH plus my MIL was smoking, she had the window open but I could smell it...GROSS, AND someone was FARTING in an enclosed car! How rude is that? I wanted to HURL! OH and did I mention that not only was all that other stuff going on, but I also had to sit and listen to a FUCKING FOOTBALL GAME being BLASTED on the car radio speakers? I hate that game with all my heart! This was my idea of a personal Hell, and all of this put me into a bad mood.

To be fair, I've been v. moody for a few days. You know what I want to blame it on, but I'm not going there yet. Anyhow, when we got back to FIL's house, we went in and I just wanted to leave and come back to where we're sleeping so I could lie down. So I hugged my Step MIL and told her I was sorry I was a party pooper today that I was just so worn out from this trip and it's just catching up with me. She told me that was alright. Then she told us that we NEEDED to call Bryan's brother S, because he's leaving on Monday to go out of town for work. That's when the freak out started!

I whipped around and said, "Well S knows we're here and he's just as capable of picking up a phone! We came an awful long way, the least he can do is call us! Especially when he KNOWS he's leaving town on Monday!" S is the BIL who I am angry with for the way he's treating his mother. So anyway, after saying this, I immediately realized that I'd snapped at her. So I apologized. Just to clarify, Step MIL is NOT the ill one, that's my MIL. Anyhow, I told her that I was just being a grump and I didn't mean to sound like I did. She then said, "Well I don't know why you all are blaming S for everything". I said, "Blaming? For what?" In my head you know we were still discussing him calling us or vice/versa. So she said, "You know, all the bull crap with G & D (my other bil and his wife)". Then I snapped again and said, "OH NO, WE'RE NOT EVEN A PART OF ALL THAT. WE'RE TAKING NO SIDES AND WE DON'T BLAME ANYONE!" See, G & D are at war with S over money matters. I haven't heard S's side of things, but of course I've heard all about G and D's side of things. Because they are both Bry's brothers I just kind of nodded my head and said OH I see when I heard about it...but believe me we're not in it! I refuse to make any opinions known until I have heard both sides. The ONLY thing I'm upset with S about is how he's been treating his mother since she's been ill. So about that time Bryan said we'd better get going. We left and I felt all this stuff that'd been building up in me all day long, plus the last straw of the discussion that we had inside about S and when I got into the car I WIGGED OUT. I was crying and throwing a tantrum, it was AWFUL and all the while I KNEW that I was being overly emotional. I'm NOT normally like this. I used to be before I took Prozac, but all that changed with my Lover Prozac coming into my life. I KNOW I'm hormonal. Even while I say crazy shit, I am saying inside my head things like, "Lara, chill...you're being RETARDED!". But alas, I can not stop the wrath. So poor Sweet Bryan got the brunt of it. I was yelling at him because he didn't back me up while we were in there and also because while I was expressing my frustrations in the car (while crying and waving my arms in the air) he didn't seem to be taking any side, as though he didn't want to be INVOLVED?????? It was awful. And while I now, an hour later, realize how silly I was being about a lot of it, I still feel myself getting all up in arms about the stuff I was feeling about Bryan at the end!

So that's whats going on here. I miss my home, I miss my bed, I miss the security of being thousands of miles away from this family! My pups are OK. Not too thrilled with all their brothers and sisters and parents that live here, but oh well. Poppy has a boyfriend. His name is Elvis. Elvis is technically her nephew but he LOVES Miss Poppy. She does not give him the time of day though. In fact she only growls at him and bares her teeth to warn him to get the F away from her! Poor Elvis just can't get enough of her oozing personality though and refuses to leave her presence!

My 2ww will be over on Tuesday. I have to find a lab here in Georgia to get my bloodwork done though, and then I have to try to keep it on the downlow since we're not telling the family that we're doing this.

Symptom check:

Boobs: Sort of aching, but not really sore.
Stomach: having upset stomachs pretty much daily, but I don't know if that's from all the rich food or from what I hope its from.
Tired. V. Tired. ALL. THE. TIME. Could also be that the trip is just catching up with me as we've been burning the candle at both ends for days.
Uterus: achyness and cramps here and there.

I just don't feel good and I'm very emotional.

Today is 11dp3dt.

Wish me luck that I don't freak out on anyone tomorrow...I'd like to keep at least some of the family still liking me!

7dp3dt

So we are on the road. Today is the second full day on the road. It's me and Bryan and the yorkies. It's been something of an adventure. Right now I'm typing this from my laptop with a yorkie in my lap and looking at all the beautiful fall colors between Little Rock, Arkansas and Memphis, Tennessee. Tomorrow we'll get to Georgia!

I have been so busy with this trip that I haven't had a lot of time to think much about my cycle, but every once in awhile it comes to me and I go Huh...I wonder?

So here's the current run down of symptoms.

Tired. That could also be caused by the fact that we traveled in the car yesterday from 5am until 11:30pm last night when we got to Oklahoma City and am doing it again today (though for not as long today).

Lower Back is aching. Could also be caused from the same thing...sitting in the car for a gabillion hours yesterday! However its only on one side of my lower back - so I dunno???

Occasional twinges in the uterus region.

Occasionally I feel a little upset stomach. Oh and I've had the runs. That I did have CONSTANTLY when I was prego last summer. So? I dunno?

Here's what I have to look forward to dealing with when we get to GA.

We are going to see Bry's Mom who is very ill. It will probably be her last Thanksgiving. I'm a little nervous to see her because she's so sick and I haven't seen her since before her illness was diagnosed. Sweet Bryan's brother S is being an ASS. That is what I think from what I've been hearing that he's been doing. However, I've not heard his side of the story either...guess I might when we see him. Anyhow, he lives right there and is NOT going to be spending time with his Mom on Thanksgiving. It may be the last opportunity for his mother to see all three of her sons all together before she's gone but he's going to spend Thanksgiving with his wife's family because they just lost his wife's cousin a few weeks back. I get that, but he could do both EASILY and make his dying mother happy. I think he's in denial about her dying. He actually told her that she was just being negative about it all and that she was gonna be around for 15 more Thanksgivings. She told him she was not being negative, she was being realistic. She has lung cancer, the prognosis is NOT good. Then he told her that he hasn't spent Thanksgiving with her in 15 years, why was it any big deal about this one???? Ummm HELLO? See? ASS.

I'll keep you all up to date on how things go...knowing this family there will be a LOT of drama! Should be interesting!

5dp3dt

Well I survived bedrest. On Friday I had a doctor appt with Dr G. It was just a blood test to check that my progesterone level was where it should be. Every other cycle I have EVER done, my progesterone has been low and I've had to either increase the amount of PIO I take or take vaginal suppositories. Well I just about fell on the floor when they called me Friday afternoon and told me that my progesterone was really good! They like to see it at 40 and mine was 48 or 49! It's usually somewhere in the 30s so this is a first for me. Remember when I said that everything was working the way it should be? The transfer was so smooth? It's all just going along swimmingly as though I am the model patient and my body cooperates accordingly. It makes me suspicious...its going TOO smoothly ya know?

OK, well I haven't posted any of my symptoms. And you know I am watching myself very very carefully for symptoms. So here we go.

Boobs - have had moments of weird tingles and I have also noticed a little heavyness and achiness similar to what I felt when I was pregnant this summer. That doesn't mean anything though because if my body for once is doing what its supposed to, the progesterone would definately cause that to happen.

Suddenly today I was sooooo tired that I had to take a nap. Does progesterone do that? I don't know. I can't remember. All I know is that I didn't do anything to warrant feeling that exhausted.

We ate later this afternoon. I ate a burger. When the exhaustion hit my stomach wasn't right either. Could have been the greasy burger didn't set with me well. Who the hell knows.

I've been slightly headachy - and I kind of remember this feeling from the summer cycle too. It's almost an achy feeling in the neck that stems the headache. Of course it could also be a cold or that I slept weird.

Last night I was unusually cranky. I suddenly realized that I was and asked sweet Bry bry if I was being cranky and he honestly said YES. I wasn't in a bad mood, I wasn't having a bad day, and there was no reason for me to be that way with him....so I dunno. It felt a lot like the way I was before I took prozac.

I know you all are going to get all excited about this because those are all good signs, but I'm not kidding myself. I've been here wayyyy too many times! Now if I start feeling nauseous each afternoon and have to take a nap every day then I'll feel more optimistic about it.

Have I mentioned that we are going on a road trip? We leave tomorrow and will be driving to Georgia from Arizona. So if you see a silver infiniti drive by you with 2 yorkies in the back seat and an I heart my airman sticker on the back window, it's me! While we are there we will have to have my beta done. That means I'll have to figure out where to go to do it and then have my doctor fax over the order for me to have the work done. Since we have chosen to not tell any of our family we are doing a cycle, we will have to be crafty about getting over there without anyone noticing or tagging along. God I hope I don't have to be crushed and faking a happy face on this trip!

Do any of you realize how tired I am of dealing with 2ww's? I've done my fair share of 2ww's and really am ready to get to the next stage of the game already! I know I'm not the only one out there in this situation, and certainly am not the only one who has done as many cycles as I have...but I am just tired of all this! This is my 12th cycle. TWELVE!!!

Transfer Complete

Hello everyone! I'm still on bedrest but took a few minutes to sit up to type this blog to let you all know how it all went on Tuesday.

They thawed out a straw of four embies. Three of them made it through the thaw. Dr G said they looked FANTABULOUS! All were 3 day 8 celled embies. Only one had a little fragmentation, otherwise they were the top score (5) embryos!

The transfer went amazingly smooth. Usually I feel some crampiness when they put the catheter in and put the embryos in, but this time I felt nothing. It almost makes me feel as though they didn't put anything up there! I'm used to feeling that crampiness throughout the two week wait. Odd. Not sure what to think about it. Anyhoo...so he started to pull out the speculum and I said, "you did it already?" Its never been that fast or easy before! He had done it. Well as soon as he pulled out the speculum, I coughed. A hard cough left over from my cold from last week. I felt a gush of fluid. Gross I know. But could it be that I coughed out my embryos???? I told MFRN that I was scared I messed it up because of the cough. She just laughed and said it wasn't possible. I am still scared I coughed them back out. :(

So the two week wait has started. I'm on bedrest. My back aches because I'm laying flat on my back, no changing positions, no laying on my side, back and back only. It's OK, tomorrow I get to get up and go to Dr Gs and have my progesterone checked, so I'll get to get up and out then. I'm actually excited to go have my blood drawn...how sad is that???

So obviously its way too early to feel ANYthing, but I have to say that my boobs ALREADY are aching. That progesterone must be the extra strong stuff!

OHHHH and before I go...let me tell you what happened with my heparin!

Last August as you probably know, I was taking heparin injections because of the last transfer which worked for a time. So when I went to fill my script for this new cycle, I just got a refill on it. Well the pharmacist tells me that there was some confusion with the dosage last time. He then tells me I'm to take 1/4th of a syringe of heparin instead of a half that I did last time. Keep in mind people that this is the SAME prescription, its just a refill and now I'm getting totally different directions???? So I don't know how much to take. A quarter or a half like I was taking last time? I called MFRN who said that either dosage wouldn't affect the outcome of the pregnancy...so what am I doing? At least until tomorrow's prednisone bloodwork? I'm doing one shot at a quarter and one shot at a half (I do 2 a day). I better get this straightened out tomorrow cuz why take stuff you don't have to! And on the other hand, what if I'm taking too little and it doesn't work because I should have been taking the 1/2 syringe dose? OH and I've compared the bottles and they are exactly the same. I could see if he was giving me a bottle that had a different amount of saline in it, but I'm not...its the exact same thing.

OK, your thoughts, talk amongst yourselves...I've gotta get back to bed rest!

Braces Bunch stats

I've been checking out the braces bunch from my blog roll which isn't current I know, but oh well...one day I'll fix it!

We're pretty much half and half pregos vs non pregos. That's pretty good odds if you ask me! I think its really helpful to have this kind of support...has it made a difference? Emotionally definately. I don't know if its increased our statistics as opposed to those who aren't in our little group, but I'm going to pretend that it has!

I hope to join the pregos side again VERY soon.

Tomorrow is the big day...

2pm Arizona time (which is currently the same as New Mexico time) I'll be having my transfer tomorrow! So far so good. My cold, while still lingering seems to be on its way out. I still have a cough and have to blow my nose a lot but besides that I'm feeling better.

I started PIO shots on Friday night and now I have bruises on each leg - hey who cares. I've had much worse!

I've already bought the heparin so I can start those injections tomorrow night. Basically I'm just READY.

I'll be on bedrest until Friday and I'll be laying here flat on my back for THREE days. I'll be sick of it by Friday but it'll be worth it when my bean or beans stick!

We are leaving for our trip out to see my MIL who is terminally ill with lung cancer as soon as bedrest is overwith. Supposed to be getting there by Thanksgiving, but with me on bedrest until Friday there won't be much time for me to prepare for our road trip. We'll make it though...its just a matter of figuring out what needs to be done and getting my sweet BRYAN to do it! :)

I dont have much else to report. Haven't done much besides lie here and be sick. UGH. Hopefully future posts will be more exciting!

I wonder how many embies will make it through the thaw tomorrow morning!!!???

We have a date with Dr G!

This morning, through a haze of sickness, runny nose, no voice and cough, I went to Dr G's office.

MFRN did the dildocam on me and it looks like my lining is doing VERY well thank you very much! At this stage of the game in July they were giving me a big shot of something to help my uterus to thicken the lining as it was lagging behind where it should have been. I think it was measuring like 5mm where as today it was measuring about 10mm! I'm telling you, ever since the DnC things have been on a good smooth track. Everything is going like its supposed to, like it hasn't done in YEARS! It gives me HOPE!

I start the PIO injections tomorrow. 1CC tomorrow night and then 2CCs each night after that. My transfer is set for Tuesday afternoon (I wish that K and G could come back and be there this time - they were lucky last time, oh and we had a BLAST too!)

The sucky thing? My transfer is set for Bryan's first day back at work, so he probably can't be there for it. :( In fact, its probably gonna just be me, myself and I there because BFR has so recently taken time off for her brother's funeral so I can't ask her to take some more time off to help me. THEN I'll be on 3 days of bedrest and again I'll be here alone because Bryan will be at work and so will BFR! Maybe I'll get lucky and my sweet Bry will be able to take the afternoon off of work to be there for the transfer at least.

The lucky thing? My transfer is set for the 13th. That's Bryan's lucky number!

Ok, I'm heading back to bed...Nyquil is calling my name!

Home from Sedona

We had a blast! I have tons of pics but am too tired to post them today. I came home with a cold from Sedona also. :( While there we went on a pink jeep tour and little did I know that it was 4 wheeling out in the red rocks of sedona! There were times we were vertical on the side of a mountain and Miss Lara was SCREAMING! We also did some hiking, hung out on a vortex, watched a sunrise and also a sunset, went to a ghost town turned artists colony called Jerome, and had a picnic next to a stream in Oak Creek Canyon which was GORGEOUS! On our way home today we went to Montezuma's castle which is an old indian ruin from 1200AD (I think) that is in the side of a mountain. It was really cool!

Tomorrow is my next appt with the RE. Guess we'll see how everything is going tomorrow and get a better idea of when the next transfer will be.

OK, my nose is running and my head hurts....promise to post pics of the trip very soon!

Afternoon Delight!

Ah yes...afternoon delight! When Sweet Bryan got home from Afghanistan, Aunt Flow also arrived so there was no nookie to be had. However, aunt Flow is GONE GONE GONE and so is my celibacy! Yayyyy!!!!

We are leaving on Sunday for a few days in Sedona, AZ which should be beautiful and for any of you who are into metaphysical stuff...Sedona is also known for its vortexes so maybe I'll have a moment of clarity while on a hike up there!

The other thing I'm looking forward to (besides more afternoon delight) is that the weather will be nice and cool and I'll be able to wear some of my sweatshirts and nice cozy winter clothes that I never have an opportunity to wear here in Southern Arizona!

Tomorrow I'm taking BFR to the spa for a massage. When my mom died, for the one month anniversary, she and 2 of our other friends took me to Las Vegas for a weekend that to this day is one of the best times I've EVER had! It definately took my mind off of my sadness, at least for a short while, and that's what I hope I can give to her. Her brother was killed in a plane crash on the 5th of October. We'll be in Sedona for that anniversary, but I thought that the least I could do was a spa day on me! I'm looking VERY forward to the massage, but the best part is that they put you in this steam room thing before your massage and its AWESOME. It's not a standard steam room, its like you sit in this individual pod that steams up. Then they take you to this room that reminds me of SOYLENT GREEN. You're sitting on a chaise lounge in your robe listening to beautiful music and the sounds of water flowing and birds chirping watching a waterfall with a video over the water of nature scenes. I just want to start screaming, "SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!!!!!" Have you not seen this old charlton heston movie? RENT IT! It's CRAZY!

I'm now on 5 units of Lupron a day and the hot flashes seem to be a lot less frequent...thank heaven! Also the night sweats aren't happening as often either. I'm also still taking 2.5mgs of prednisone x2 a day and estradial x2 a day too to build up the lining of the uterus. My next appt will be next Thursday on the 8th of November. We're starting to get close to transfer day...if the lining builds up like its supposed to the transfer could be as soon as the 11th or 12th of this month. Last time it didn't build up as quickly as it should have and I had to have an injection to help it along, but that was before the miscarriage and things seem "different" now. Can't quite explain it but things just feel different...reminds me of when I had periods when I was younger. The flow is heavier and oh I don't know...can't really explain it. It just feels like something has been corrected. I hope this cycle is the one that works and then just keeps on working!